Welcome to Episode 34! Do you say yes to others when your own personal to-do list keeps growing? Do you say no to others in a passive avoidance type of way? And then feel guilty after?
Look, boundaries are tough! They are challenging to identify, to set, and to communicate to others and they are difficult to hold. But this work I guarantee is rewarding and so worth it. Boundaries are a big topic.
Today we’re going to focus on external boundaries. External boundaries are how others treat you. Or simply put, how you allow others to treat you.
Episode 33 was about internal boundaries and how you treat yourself. If you haven’t yet, take a listen to Episode 33 when you’re done here. It will help you grasp the difference between internal and external boundaries.
How others treat you, or how you allow others to treat you, is what external boundaries are all about.
Maybe you’re even thinking, as we get started here, wait a minute, I can’t control how others treat me.
And that’s the power and rewarding result of boundaries!
Yes, you can.
Although we can’t control how others behave and act, what they say, if they listen or respond, basically what is initiated by another. We can influence how we allow others to treat us. Do you hear the difference there? Recognizing the difference between these is really freeing in and of itself.
Ultimately it’s up to the other person to respect a boundary that has been communicated and held. It’s also up to us to determine what we want to do about a situation or relationship when another person does not respect a boundary.
Boundary work can have lots of layers. It can look and feel more difficult or less difficult with different people in our lives. Let’s start small and keep it simple for today and focus on the basics of external boundaries to get you started.
This episode is not about cleaning up boundaryless relationships. That’s several steps down the path of boundary work. There is no action to be taken with others…yet.
This message is about elevating your awareness of the boundaries in your life and work. Being able to identify what a boundary is, when a boundary is crossed, and if the boundary is external or internal.
You can watch any sitcom or movie and quickly see when boundaries are crossed. There’s lots of drama on the screen. It’s how storylines are written.
Let’s start out with an external life example and then we’ll get to an external business example.
Time is an easy external boundary example to grasp. Time is one of the most common examples of external boundaries that is not respected.
For example, if you’re having a backyard BBQ you may invite others by saying it’s from 5 pm to 8 pm. This is a boundary around your time. You’ve clearly identified when it starts and when it ends.
If you were to invite by saying come by on Saturday, we’re cooking out. Stop by when it works for you. This is how not to have a boundary around your time.
Another example. Let’s say you alternate holidays with your family and your in-laws. It’s your year to spend with your family and your in-laws are inviting you to come by “just for dinner” this year. You grow irritated and disappointed that they ask. Knowing it’s not their year. This is a boundary around your time. Likely also around your values.
We can typically identify when a boundary is crossed because we grow frustrated, offended, or disappointed in situations. We may not even know there is a boundary in a certain situation until it’s crossed. These feelings are important. They are signals to pay attention to. They will help you identify your boundaries.
It can be difficult work identifying boundaries. And this is so common for us as women because so many of us are people pleasers. So many of us put others’ needs before our own. Friends, extended family, kids, and even total strangers.
The difference is when you’re saying yes to others and saying no to your own needs and wants. If you’ve lived a life where this has been chronic, it can be very blurry to actually see the boundary. You may have convinced yourself over time that your needs can wait, that you enjoy helping others. That’s not what this is about. Those are rationalizations.
You can be helpful to others and still meet your own needs and wants. You can still have external boundaries and still be a giving, selfless, person that has her own needs and wants to be met and still can say yes to others. The difference is recognizing your patterns, identifying a boundary, and being conscious in the moment.
Now let’s look at a business example. Let’s say you’re in a group, maybe a mastermind group, in your weekly meeting. It’s a team of peers, fellow high achievers, and leaders within your company.
The meeting is going long and running over the scheduled time. You have another meeting this is running over into. You’re late to your next obligation because this boundary around your time was not respected.
Let me be clear. If a meeting is supposed to end after an hour and it doesn’t, this is simply a boundary that’s crossed even if you have nothing else on your calendar directly after. It’s still a disrespect of your time.
It doesn’t matter what you may or may not have on your calendar immediately following this meeting. The meeting organizer is taking more of your time than she requested. What if you’re the meeting organizer? Same! You’re disregarding your time and the time of others. It’s so very common. Don’t be too hard on yourself or on others.
Finding grace in this process of boundary work will make you feel better about it every step of the way.
It’s a classic case of neglected boundaries. Typically, we don’t even know there is a boundary. If we don’t know we have a boundary in a certain area, we can’t communicate it to others. They have no idea what the boundary is. If others don’t know about a boundary, they can’t respect it. It keeps happening. You find yourself in this situation over and over.
External boundaries are about how others treat you.
Your takeaway from this episode is to simply be aware. Notice when a boundary is crossed. Notice what you’re saying yes to and what you’re saying no to. Be aware of your time and how it’s spent with and without your consent.
Once your awareness has been heightened, only then can you identify where a boundary may need to be trued up.
Boundaries are invisible. Let’s shed some light on yours by simply noticing how your external boundary of time is being declared with others, or when it’s not.
The best is yet to come. Always.
